That thin line…

Can men and women really ever be just friends? Hmmmmm..

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not!
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story..

The above dialogue is an excerpt from the classic movie ‘When Harry met Sally’ and this was the subject of a debate I had with a few of my friends a couple of years back. It still is an interesting topic that seems to raise some dust every time it is brought up with different perspectives here and there.

Yes, in the past I have had some male friends who, just when I thought, “Oh there, he does not see me as a woman, he sees me as one of his homies!”, would just reveal his true ‘manliness’ and begin to make moves on me. This would just horrify me because I did wonder if I would ever find the one true guy who would just see me as another human being and not just as a sensual feminine being. I wanted a guy that I could gist with, play with, share my hopes and fears and he would just get me but with absolutely no sexual feelings towards me. Was that asking for too much? Maybe I had read too many bestsellers, yeah?

Now I did find and have some great guy friends who I happened to be so comfortable with and believe it or not, they never as much as winked a lustful eye at me. And yes, we did go on to have great friendships and still do as a matter of fact.

From my perspective, I would say, yes, pure platonic friendship can exist between a man and a woman. It all has to do with the mind, their minds. As long as no ‘funny’ images are being conjured up in their minds, the purity can exist but once those naughty thoughts begin to creep in, that thin line has been crossed and from then on, it is the point of no return. No matter how either of them tries to blot the thoughts out, they will just keep coming.

Now you tell me, whose side are you on? Harry’s or Sally’s? Do you think a man and a woman can just be friends?

 

Love – a second-hand emotion?

There is this song I love to pieces, it takes me into depths unimaginable

…♪♫Love, a word that comes that comes and goes but few people really know what it really means to love somebody…♪♪♫

..well those are just some of the lyrics of the song. The reason why I love this song is because it gives to me a picture of what love really is or means.

The fact is, quite a number of people throw this word around like it’s just some ordinary word and so they are comfortable to say it to different people at different times without blinking an eye. Is it really a feeling or emotion that can be used and abused? I like to think that love is such a sacred word that should not be mentioned unless it is truly meant.

Now love is not just an emotion expressed towards someone of the opposite sex, it could be toward anybody – your child, parents, siblings, friends, anybody.

What really is love? One person would find it synonymous to having butterflies in their tummy when they saw that one person they were crazy about. Another would put it as that warm feeling that envelopes you that would make you do anything..absolutely anything in the world to make that other person happy.

I like to think that it is a lot deeper than that, that it involves sacrifice and a whole lot more. I would even like to say that in love, you see that person’s imperfections but love him/her anyway. Oooooohhh it is such a beautiful thing to have someone who just takes you for who you are and thinks you are the world to them..isn’t it? Just thinking about it makes me all warm and fuzzy..lol. When you love someone, you always have that other person’s back, you would defend and protect him/her anywhere. Love is a commitment though, it takes a lot of hard work – that I have come to find out. Now that’s the part some people are just not prepared for or are simply scared of. That is where the line is drawn actually, this is what makes it love – the dedication and commitment.

It is something that is bigger than us. In fact it scared me to write about this because I did not know if I could really capture the essence of what this phenomenon is all about. I will definitely be happy to read what you think about love.

 

What do women really want?

Now this is a question that men folk have tried to find an answer to since the beginning of time. Some have failed and a few have succeeded in this mysterious quest ( do I hear some chuckling in the background? yes, it is a quest..a quest to find the magical crystal ball..lol). What wouldn’t some men do to get the answer to this mind-boggling question. It’s like rocket science to many of them. This topic even amuses me as I type away.

A few days ago, Loemwe and Alex of Big Brother Africa were having a chat about this particular topic and Loemwe mentioned that women want fantasy. He said that we want things that are unreal, things beyond our reach. Sistas, do you agree with that? Some  men think that we are confused, that we do not even know what we want. Does that sound like any of us here? Do you actually not know what you want?

Ok yeah, so some of us want to be like Cinderella and have our Prince Charming come in to swoop us into a life of opulence and happy endings

…or some of us just simply want to have a fantastic job that pays the bills, puts beautiful clothes on our bodies, gets us a great car and whatever else that goes with it

…or some of us just want a man who will give us some gooooood loving!

…some of us might just be comfortable with simply having a nice home, being a good, devoted wife and mother

…some of us want to blaze the trail and make a mark in this world, forge ahead in our careers and be known amongst the who’s who of the world

and some just want to snuggle up, have a hot drink of cocoa, watch a great movie tonight and then let each day unfold as it comes (lol).

I have run out of scenarios but you catch my drift. The guys that will see the title of this episode will probably think “Eureka! Finally, the unveiling of the everlasting mystery, the answer to our life-long question”, but emmmm sorry to disappoint you guys! The fact is that you might be surprised at how simple a woman’s wants are. You just need to ask her sincerely and she will be happy to tell you. The magic word here is ‘ask sincerely’ – be interested and open-minded in knowing the answer to that question.

So sistas, I’ve only put a few opinions of mine on what we want or might want, so please help decode this mystery, what do you really want?

Hurt that’s not from the hands

By now, a lot of you must have heard or read about the unfortunate story of the man who murdered his young beautiful wife in cold blood last week here in Lagos, Nigeria. It is just such a sad story. I will not delve into details about it here and this episode is not about domestic abuse and violence. However, it is about another kind of abuse that is barely talked about, it even seems to be brushed under the carpet sometimes since there is no physical sign of damage done. This abuse is emotional abuse – this is the kind of abuse where words can be used to hurt you in so many ways. And sometimes words may even do greater damage than a hit.I am just going to scratch the surface of this topic because it is indeed a very deep one. There might be a need to discuss this even further and in more detail along the line in future.

A lot of us have gone through periods in our lives where people said things to us which hurt us and probably went further to erode our self-esteem. Some of us have allowed these words cause great damage to us and some have risen above them. The fact of the matter, though, is that negative words can do a lot of damage to the recipient.

Some women have found themselves caught up in relationships where their men put them down in different ways and unconsciously, they find themselves taking on the persona of the negative names they are called. Sometimes, these men do these things unconsciously themselves but that is still no excuse though.  And then even when you want to speak out sometimes about this treatment, you’re told, “well, at least, he’s not beating you”. So then, does that mean you are supposed to bear this and live with it. I think not!

It is not just the woman-man relationship that emotional abuse comes into play. Emotional abuse can also be experienced in friendships, parent-child and sibling relationships.

I know that a lot of us can identify with this and are still carrying the scars of such abuse. It is even such a difficult thing to talk about but then if you do not talk about it, you will probably be carrying around a huge burden so ladies, let’s share our burdens. How many of us have experienced this or know people who have?

PS: In discussing such sensitive topics as this, it is okay to come in anonymously to talk about it.

www.lookingforlove.com

So your friend has tried to hook you up with a friend of her friend or you have met a couple of nice guys at different events, but none of them seems to have made your heart skip a beat. We have all looked for love in different places. If we had a chance to do a survey to find out where some of us have found love, some of the answers would range from the church to a wedding or even at a friend’s house. These seem to be the normal places where we could find love but I just wonder – would you be willing to look into the option of looking for love on an online dating site? “Hmmmm”, you would say, “that is such a novelty in this part of the world.” If you ask me, I think one of the reasons why we might be a tad bit hesitant to explore that option is because not every one wants to say, “Oh, I met my husband on an online dating site!” These are just my thoughts, some of you might probably disagree. It just seems to me that the typical African family members would probably have a fit to know that you found a potential ‘husband’ on an online dating site.

I have actually found that we do have some Nigerian online dating sites.  I would like to know though how many people have had fruitful long-lasting relationships or even marriages from these liaisons.

You might make a friend or two but the thought of it seems quite spooky though – you wonder, what kind of person would the guy online be? Would he actually be who he claims to be? Or would he be a psycho or some guy with a shady life? Is it actually possible to meet some nice and decent guy on an online dating site who you will eventually walk down the aisle and live a good life with.

Sistas, what do you think? Would you be willing to broaden your horizons and look for love on an online dating site? Let’s chat…

 

What’s weight got to do with it?

Do you often feel too scared to look yourself in the mirror and step on those scales because you just don’t know what you’ll look like or what the scales will read?

Or are you buying all the blood tonics in town or drinking Eggovin just to put on weight? Or trying out all the herbal teas just to lose it?

You, most definitely, are not alone. You have millions of sisters across the world struggling with the same issue.

A few years ago, I was on the other side of the rope – hating and trying to deal with the fact that I was so skinny. I used to be so long and gawky then. I remember looking for all kinds of ways to put on weight. At a point I began to drink Maltina and milk daily (funny, right?) just to put on some flesh as recommended by certain friends. I couldn’t understand why flesh just refused to come to me. I would wake up every morning and be angry to see my collar bones still jutting out. My names ranged from ‘tin-tin‘ in secondary school to ‘lekpa‘ in the university. I hated hearing the names, especially the ‘lekpa‘ – now that I think about it, it’s kind of hilarious but trust me, back then, it WAS NOT!

So fast forwarding a bit, here I am with some bit of flesh in the right places, having the occasional struggle with a bit of excess weight here and there. The thing is, this is an issue that we sisters have to deal with on a regular basis. Some have to deal with being overweight or skinny and this in turn has probably affected our self-esteem at one point or the other.

So sisters, tell me – what side of the rope have you been on and did it do anything to affect the way you felt about yourself? It also might be that it’s something you’re dealing with right now so let’s share.

Does what you weigh affect the way you feel about yourself?

Why do you really want to get married?

“Oooohhhh, I need to get married”, “When are we going to wear your aso-ebi?”…these are some of the typical sentences you hear when there’s a conversation involving a single lady or more. Typically, once you’ve graduated from school, the next ‘logical’  thing you’re expected to think about is marriage. The society begins to mount pressure on you, your parents ask, “when are you going to introduce us to that young man?” And so, you begin to see young ladies praying and fasting for a ‘life partner’ or showing up in events just to catch the eye of ‘Mr. Right’.

The thing is, does marriage have to be the next step in the cycle: write JAMB/A-Levels – gain admission into university – graduate from school – ??

Marriage is a totally big step and so many people have been pressured into entering into this great institution. It’s just when their feet are halfway in that they realize that they probably shouldn’t have gotten into it just yet. It’s not all negativity though, some people have great stories to tell.

So, why do you really want to get married?